Self Reflection

Tonight I had a breakthrough.  Instead of indulging in some of my necessary daily routines I took a different route.......I allowed myself to think clearly.  For the first time in a while my mental state was naked, and when I say naked I mean free of issue, something it hadn't been in a long time. Like any other person I'm riddled with insecurities, and although my exterior comes off confident and secure I've struggled with self doubt.  The best thing you can do is take on the task at hand and remain focused on what's most important in your life at that given time.  I've had issues that have consumed my daily existence for a while that I hadn't thoroughly addressed and by refusing to address those things, I made myself somewhat stagnant. Honestly I'm so good at masking my own issues that I make myself believe that every things ok even when its not.  However, in actuality I'm not content with where I am or what's going on around me and I'm fully aware in order to make change, I have to change within.  By resorting back to things that comfort me I've hindered my own progress.  When I left for college I promised myself that I'd never come back to the place I grew up and I haven't yet fulfilled that promise.  I also promised myself that I would be different, and by being different I mean just allowing belief in my own abilities to takeover instead of overthinking situations.  I know I"m not alone when I say I tend to overthink some of the smallest of issues, and by doing that I generally get in my own way.  In essence like most people, I am my own worst enemy and by being afraid to take risks I've slowed down my metamorphosis.  The biggest mistake I've made was losing myself and consuming myself with my daily ups and downs.  As I let pressure consume me I lost the urgency to fulfill what's most important to me.  Today is the day life changes, the only person that controls that is the man in the mirror and hopefully this realization helps someone else as it did me.

Vent

A lot has been on my mind lately.  As I try to move forward and progress as a person graduating to the next stage in life (no pun intended); I have an issue.   With all issues, I have to figure out a way to attack it and basically use the beauty of solitude to put together pieces in my mind.  I've realized that honestly I'm scared to move forward, and not in the sense that I'm stuck in the same spot, but my mind is so focused on what my next move in life is that I'm forgetting to focus on the present. Its weird to admit when you're scared, because personally I have a hard time acknowledging fear,  I'm not one for displaying feelings, or letting others know what I'm fearful of, those are things I must work on with growth.  As I transition from the fantasy world of college to the real world, I'm slowly losing the comfort and stability that a college environment brings me, although you're on your own in college, its not the real world.  It's not even success after the ups and downs of these four years that I'm scared of or moving forward to a bigger stage in life.   I'm not afraid of struggling, or paying my dues in reality the only thing  I'm afraid of is not fulfilling my potential, and not living up to the personal standard that I hold for myself as a man.  The hardest thing for a person to realize is who they really are, and only you can answer that question at the end of the day.  I'm now at 21 almost 22 years old finally understanding what makes me different.   It takes years and years of experience and personal meditation to try and grasp the complexities of the person in the mirror.   You have to be honest and understand you're the only person that you have to please.  Although we all have people or vices in our lives that motivate us to be better, if you don't like what you're seeing in the mirror you cannot truly flourish.

Through my own mediation, I've understood that confidence is the main ingredient to anything.  As confidence allows you to trust in yourself and forget about uncertainty, a sense of power is ignited within oneself.  With uncertainty we begin to doubt our abilities, which is the most negative thing we can do to ourself.  I'm going to wrap it up and simplify what I'm trying to say. We all know our abilities and by this point in our lives many of us have experienced enough to realize what our strengths/the things we need to work on are, that's just the general process of being real with oneself.  With that sense of reality, we cannot forget that our individual being is special and in some area of life we are all made to shine, doubt is only a waste of time as we are owners of our future.

Currently Jamming:  Cut Her Off x K. Camp

Love You

Learn to be comfortable with yourself.  The more comfortable you're with the person you see in the mirror the more of an asset you become to someone else.  The most attractive thing in the world is a woman that I need more than she needs me.   A woman's confidence and how she carries herself is important.  I know that sounds mad generic but through someone's actions its easy to sense their insecurities.  Think about how many times a day you hear somebody say they want a boo, or they need somebody new in their life, but as a individual they're a complete mess.  Build yourself before you look for validation from someone else, as an individual you have to want and expect more from the person in the mirror. We live in a society where people feel validated by relationships, the sense of false confidence that you feel from someone else isn't exactly healthy.  To keep it 100 you can't depend on something that may not always be there for you.  Although you can't enter a relationship thinking that person won't always be there for you, you have to come to the realization that ultimately you come first, if that person doesn't satisfy criteria for you to grow, you simply don't need them.  Nobody on this earth will be there for you, the way you have to be there for yourself; no matter what happens in life you will always be you, therefore you must always have your own back.  As growing individuals we tend to focus more so on the criteria and standards that we hold for the people we get involved with instead of holding ourselves to those standards.  You have to fix you before you can work on fixing someone else, and once you're confident in what're your growth.  I know I emphasized the hell out of the word you in in this post but that's who this post is for.   

Currently Jamming:  4 minutes of Hell x Lil Herb

Late Night Rambling

At some point in time things just start feeling right. You can't predict it, you can't plan for it, you can only work and hope that the moves you're making correlate to a higher purpose.  I've always found myself stressing, in retrospect that's how I work best.  If there's no pressure on me I'm least likely to perform, and that's why I hate comfort.  At 21 I know I haven't really accomplished shit.  I'm two semesters from graduating a prestigious school, I have a couple nice internships and a decent resume but, to get where I want to be Im having to fully understand I've accomplished nothing. My biggest motivator is realizing and reminding myself I'm not shit, because some time in the near future that won't be true. Although I'm not the most religious person, I believe in a higher power, and I believe that the higher power I believe in has me on the right path.  To simplify it I believe in the process.  By process and to quote Talib Kweli I'm living the "beautiful struggle".  The struggle is some of you're purest days because struggling drags that feeling of hunger out of you. Nobody likes to struggle but in order to shine you gotta grind, in order to eat you gotta work.  You just don't wake up and eat steak and lobster, you gotta eat Top Ramen first and chicken flavored to be exact.  I really plan on having a hand in changing multiple aspects of the career's that I want to pursuit.  I've never been the person who liked sitting on any bench, I want to get in games, I want to make All-Star teams, I want to hoist that MVP award.  My Grandpa told me when I was young, "whatever you do in life be the best at it," I take that to heart because I hate the shit out of losing.  .  I will say this at this point in my life the picture's getting clearer.  We all move at a different pace, but most of us strive for the finer things, the difference is we're not all willing to put in the work to obtain those things.  If I'm able to obtain my goals and stay true to who I am, that paints a picture for the future.  Dawg I gotta get it.

Currently Jammin:   In the Mornin' x UGK

True Beauty of a Woman

Beauty is truly within the eye of the beholder, and honestly that beholder is you.  We live in a society where people have tried to define beauty and tell us what beautiful looks like, when in actuality there's no standard of beauty and there are no limitations on what can be perceived as beautiful.  The whole idea that man can define beauty is impossible, and this is simply because beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, colors and looks.  Every woman on this earth has been born with the tools to be beautiful on the inside and out, the person she sees when she first wakes up and looks in the mirror is love.  Kendrick Lamar echoes this in "Poetic Justice" when he spits the line "I mean you need to hear this, love is not just a verb its you looking in the mirror." Women must understand everything about them from their complexion, to their hair, to whatever God has blessed them with that makes up their differences as an individual is true beauty.  True beauty is not what you see on the cover of the magazine or on your TV screen, true beauty is the image that appears when you wake up in the morning and you understand that no matter what you're the most beautiful piece of art crafted on this earth. The confidence a woman has in herself is what makes her sexy, its not arrogant and it can't be measured by anybody else other than you.  I must admit the sexiest thing in the world is a woman that not only embraces her outer beauty, but one who's inner beauty radiates on the outside.  Any secure man could tell you how much we appreciate a woman who is confident in the tools she's been blessed with, because that confidence should never wane no matter the circumstance.  As we must do a better job at empowering our women, just make sure that first and foremost you empower yourself.

Currently Jamming Dirty Projectors- Stillness is the Move

My 10 Commandments

This is in no particular order but here's a list of 10 important commandments I follow.

10. Mind your business- You can't progress worrying about the next person, get money focus on you and yours.

9.  Find something to believe in- Everybody needs a set of guidelines and beliefs that guides them to where they want to be.  Find something.

8.  Believe in you- Nobody can do it but you, might as well believe you can achieve anything.

7.  Practice what you Preach- if you're going to say it, either you've done it or its about to happen backup the way you talk.

6.  Be loyal but don't be too loyal-Be loyal to those who you know would do the same for you, being down for everybody only gets you taken advantage of. Everybody is not your friend you can usually count your friends on your hands.

5.  Try things-  Routine things are boring, go out and experience life if it doesn't get you in a jail cell or dead see what its about so you can formulate your own opinion.

4.  Respect Yourself- I'm not going to respect you if you don't respect yourself.  Respect is earned not given

3.  Monogamy isn't real- Monogamy isn't real until there's a ring on somebodies finger, man go out and enjoy this one life you live. If you find something worth Monogamy then more power to you but we young outchea.

2.  Do your homework- Before you speak on something know what your talking about or leave it alone.

1.  Find your happiness- "Your life, Your happiness", can't please everybody, but you sure as hell can please yourself

Time

As a young black man I never really understood the value of time.  Time is our best friend, yet our greatest enemy because ultimately we have no idea how much time we have left to complete our personal agenda.   When it's our turn to go, its our turn to go there's no looking back and saying holdup, I'm not ready, when its your time there's nothing you can do, everything is in the hands of whoever your higher power may be.   2012 happened to be one of the better years of my life, because in 2012 I grew the most as a person. The trials and tribulations that have marked this past year, forced me to step up and the adversity this year presented made me stronger.  Ultimately I've had a lot of time to think and reflect on what's truly important and where I want to be personally. With that being said, tomorrow "Christmas Day" marks the one year anniversary of losing one of my brothers, Shane McCullough and I can tell you first hand death puts a whole new perspective to life. My bro Shane was one of the better people I've met in my life, he felt so much pain but never let people know it.  No matter what he was going through he never let people see him sweat, and could brighten up and change the mood in a room with one of his crazy stories.  Boy did he have stories man, some of the funniest "What the hell were you thinking" type stories I've ever heard.  His passing taught me a lot about myself and a lot about what's truly important in life.  Don't waste your life looking to be something your not, stay true to yourself  that's really what's most important.  We were all created as individuals and we all strive for something greater, its up to you to decide where your purpose truly lies. Our time here is short, so every day we can breathe, talk and see is a chance to strive for more and attack our goals. It is our obligation to make what you can out of YOUR life there are no excuses, and no shortcuts. My mother always taught me excuses were the tools of the incompetent and lord knows I wasn't raised to be incompetent.  Value the time you have here on Earth make the best out of it, be yourself and make decisions that don't sacrifice your integrity or what makes you, You. Remember you weren't born to impress anybody the only person your here to impress is yourself.  Love is looking in the mirror, find love in what you see.

PS:  To my brother Shane, I love you bro, each and every day I'm here I'm going to honor the pact we made .  Even though we won't be able to physically watch each other's personal success know that I promise to fulfill my side of the bargain.  We gon make it swon and I hope your enjoying being back with your Mom, continue to watch over me I got this.

10/21/91-12/25/11 R.I.P. Shane

Currently Jamming:  Dom Kennedy-She ain't in love